February has been glum. Aside from classes starting, which is a relief, I've really just been ticking the days off my calendar one by one. I think it's been hard to come to the realization that this year hasn't been what I was anticipating in the slightest. That's not to say that this year hasn't been good, or educational or life-changing or whatever. But I had such high expectations; I was going to learn to speak French impeccably, I was going to suavely integrate into the French culture, I was going to absolutely love it here. I haven't and I don't. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've just officially picked my return date and the end is so clearly in sight now, but a part of me just feels like giving up. Which is silly, because I've got some really sweet trips planned before I return. It's vexing I got talked out of living with a family and I regret it immensely, especially that I was too apathetic to change my situation later in the year. But hindsight is 20/20 and it's always possible that I could have been sitting here today wondering why, oh why, didn't I decide to live on my own. In some ways, it's just been bad timing. My knee going wacky honestly couldn't have come at a worse time for one. Five minutes into my slow "come back" jog yesterday I was reduced to tears at the familiar pressure below my knee cap. I survive on physical activity, and my lack of it has left me feeling like someone has draped a thick wet towel over my very existence. It couldn't be more frustrating because I know personally with more activity, the rest of my life would be easier to deal with, disappointments and all. Work outs are my time to consolidate and digest what is currently taking place in my life, good and bad. For some reason it helps me put things in perspective and work through to reasonable solutions by working off excess stress at the same time. Instead I know that if I run, I harm my body, and if I don't, I harm my psyche. Unfortunately this, well I suppose life, is just one big mind game, and the key is learning how to let the positive prevail over the negative in my head. I try to think of myself as a strong, independent woman, with goals and the potential to "succeed", but in some ways, France has sent me backpedaling towards a mental outlook I've spent years trying to shake. It's not a me I like that doubts myself so much, that challenges my own decisions, and in the face of simple daily tasks or the mirror feels like crawling deep into a hole and not coming back out. Maybe it's just that I'm realizing that many of the things I saw in my future no longer seem appealing and that's left me feeling rather lost. I think about working in Africa or even abroad, and I realize that I'd hate it. Can you really be giving if you resent your situation? Does it make me a weak person to be incapable of coping with the uncomfortable and unfamiliar? Theoretically I should be able to realize that I can do just as much good as a medical professional in the States, (we have extreme poverty too) and that my life's work will certainly not be in vain no matter where I practice. I try to remind myself that just because you think you should enjoy something, does not means that you will, and it's important to first take care of yourself before you can help others. I am simply happier close to that which I love: Oregon and my family; but all I see is spinelessness, and I think that a stronger woman would still relish the challenge of confronting Africa, med kit in hand. It bothers me that I need help, that I'm not happy, and I suddenly find myself depending on the strength of others more than usual. It seems like I must have made serious mistakes to let myself get pulled back here, that I'm solely at fault. I feel that I should be able to do this on my own, but strength is not synonymous with solitude. An American MD would probably slowly slide a prescription for Welbutrin or Prozac across the table about now, but I'm not interested. I'm not depressed because I refuse to be. I have better things to do than wallow in self pity, and in all likelihood this is to be far from the worst year of my life. In fact, it really is one of the most amazing years of my life, and despite all, I do not regret being here. So I'm going to set my alarm clock early tomorrow, like I do every day, commitments or not and great the day. You don't have to be joyous to be grateful, and I certainly have plenty for which to be grateful.